Reverb10 – December 24 – Everything’s OK

December 24 Prompt. – Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis)

         I worked all this year, well at least since June, to put behind that ego part of me and really start living life.  I worked all summer and did some exciting things and a few where I fell flat on my face.  I decided that once I finished a HUGE school project, it was now my time to do what I wanted to do.  I decided that I dedicated enough of these past ten years to being a teacher.  It consumed most of my life, day and night, and on weekends.  I’m now learning how to let go.
         Letting go is hard for some, especially me. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s my Catholic up bringing that has instilled in me a “guilt” complex.  Maybe I’m a bit OCD and need to control things.  I don’t know, but I’m working on it.
         The “best moment” this past year giving me insight into knowing “Everything’s OK” happened when I found out that I failed my big school project.  I’ve never failed in school.  But this time, I failed.  I was a bit peeved that I had spent almost nine months dedicated to this project and failed, according to the assessment people.  Wow.  Slap in the face.  But I didn’t feel it in the pit of my stomach.  I looked at the results and they just didn’t make sense to me.  I knew I’m not a failure as a teacher.   I could try doing the project again by paying lots of money, but that did not seem like a financially sound idea.  I know who I am.  I know what I do and that I am a good teacher.  Surprisingly, I was able to let it go.  No real anger.  Just my ego a bit bruised, but it healed rather quickly.
         When I saw the scores that was the moment I decided to let this project go, as well as my obsession with teaching.  That is when I knew that everything was going to be fine.  That was the moment I knew I had to be true to myself and stop reaching out to others to define me.  Since that time a few months ago, I’ve actually been able to say, for the first time in my life, I like who I am.
         I am now allowing myself to do what I love with less guilt.  I understand that it is going to take time, but I can accept that now.  I give myself time to be the artist I’ve always wanted to be with less of that nagging voice demanding my time for other people’s projects.  I’ve given enough to them, it’s now time for me.  This is difficult for me to write. It sounds rather self-centered and a bit arrogant.  But I need to be good to myself.

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